My Doctor’s Name Was Ursula

I had to think about it for a second before this really sank in, but when my dad went around the house the day I had my tonsils removed saying that my doctors name was Ursula, it finally sank in. I had no voice. I still have no voice. It’s been about four frustrating days since I had my tonsils removed, and I think it would be safe to say that I am ready to talk. Or sing. Or communicate faster in general. So much sympathy goes out to my Mermaid friend, Ariel, who essentially loses her voice for legs and true love. Ever find yourself extremely frustrated while watching that show because you just want her to be able to blurt her name out to Prince Eric? Well, I’ve found myself extremely frustrated with myself these past couple days just wanting to blurt out a simple “thank you” or “hello.” Im sorry for my lack of patience, Ariel, and a huge shout out (in typed form, of course) to my family and friends for their patience with me.

Its as if because I cant really talk (or arent supposed to), I want to say more. Its in this process that Ive learned a lot already. For one, Ive learned a lot of patience. People dont always understand made up sign language, especially when it turns into an unwanted game of charades. I really am so grateful that my family is patient with me. Or maybe its a sign that they upgraded me to writing on a hand-held white board exactly what Im trying to say Either way, Im grateful for them.

Another lesson Ive learned is how loud our actions truly are. Most who know me, know I am not one to show a lot of emotion. So in my quest this week to find a voice I can use in place of the one I cant currently use, I found facial expressions. This is a lesson I hope carries on even after I have my voice back. I Skyped a good friend of mine this evening and had to write everything down on my white board to tell him what I wanted to say what a slow form of communication—So I really had to step up the facial expressions so he could know even a little of what I was feeling, or thinking. What a unique conversation that was for the both of us. I also have to thank him for his patience as I wrote out everything and didn't say a word.

Yet another lesson verified while being voiceless is truly how much I love words and how powerful they can be and are. I cant even begin to express this enough. Writing is so important as it is one of the few ways we will actually remember things. Sometimes we challenge our minds to be stronger than they are, and we regret it later. I am guilty of this constantly. I always push my mind to its limit without having a back up plan. For example, I went in to take a test the other day only briefly running through the testing material relying on my mind to remember all of it so that I could ace the test. Well I got to the testing center and I stretched my mind as far as I could, but couldnt remember hardly anything I had studied. There are times in life when I have a sharp mind and can remember almost anything. Its times like when I was taking my test, that I really appreciate the times my mind is sharp. I wish so badly I would take my own advice of writing things down diligently. I think then I could always have the sharp mind I want.

It has been interesting going through this week having to rely on many others for help. It makes me think of myself in the far future when I am not so reliant upon myself for things, but others. With the medication I have taken to help with pain, I have lost my appetite, my strength, and some might even add to the list, my mind. I had to take a final this week and my sweet mother had to drive me to the testing center so I could take it and then she drove me home. My two younger sisters have been so great to get me my medication at the times I need it. My youngest sister stayed up until two in the morning to get me my medication as well as some soup to have with it. She also supplied me with her favorite stuffed animals and a movie to get me through the night. My dad is always asking what he can do for me, and is so great when it comes to surprising me with a movie to watch. Ive had multiple friends come to visit and just sit with me or play the piano for me or help me with homework. In my current state, there just isnt much I can do alone. Through all of this though, my mind hasnt stopped racing. I just dont think its in my genes to stop thinking (or anyones really mine just seem to be on fire at the moment). I have just wanted to shout at everyone who has helped me, THANK YOU because I truly do mean it. It means the world to me that I have so many people who care enough for me to help me do everything I need to do in order to stay on task and get better.

I think about Ariel and her priorities. She had an amazing singing voice, but she was willing to give it up due to her curiosity. She wanted legs because she thought they were better than what she had. Without her voice, though, her legs were almost powerless. She needed the help of her friends and family to get Prince Eric to hear her out and learn who she was. In the end, she gains back her voice and realizes that legs are in no way more important than the people (and creatures) in her life, which is the lesson she needed all along. To sum up everything Ive been trying to say: a voice is a powerful thing. Im not saying we have to have a beautiful singing voice, or even a talking voice to say what we need to say Im saying that our words and our actions are just as loud as a voice, because its all coming from the same mind. I hope this is making sense. I hope that any way you use your voice, is a way that is most powerful to you.

I guess you could say this write up is for all of those helping me keep my mind off the pain these next couple weeks. Thank you, thank you! And heres to a week or two without a physical voice. Youll be hearing from me in plenty of other ways though;)

--A Tonsil-less Madi

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